Blurry

UPDATE (12/1/2011)
I just discovered a quote that fits perfectly with this post and my mentality and had to post it here.

“I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.”

–John Burroughs

Blurry, eh? What’s this post about? I chose “blurry” because currently that’s how my head feels at the moment. Everything seems like a blur. Everything is a bit foggy. And I can’t seem to focus…on anything. It’s as if I have 10 people talking in my head all at once. I just want them to quiet down, geesh! How is a person supposed to sleep? (Wow, now I sound like a person with a mental illness…)

The problem is there is too much that I want to do in this world; too much that I want to see, do, taste, learn, know. I hunger for it. I thirst for it. It’s what pushes me along, like a leaf floating down a fast-moving stream. I’ve realized lately that there honestly aren’t enough hours in the day to accomplish all that I’d like to do (duh). If somehow my daily “leisure” time could fit in bike riding, reading about 10 different books, seeing friends, movie marathons, cooking, learning how to knit, learning how to crochet better, writing down all of my mundane observations, etc., I’d be sound as a pound. Alas, it cannot. Well, not to the extent I’d like it to do. Did I mention being a perfectionist sucks? Well it does, so there you go. It sucks because not only do I feel driven to do all of things all the time, but I have to be awesome at all of them or at least extremely efficient at doing them–which I know makes no sense if I want to be efficient at “leisure” activities, but that’s just how my mind works. I always have to feel as if I’m accomplishing something, and when I have to rip apart my knitting for the 20th time in a row, I don’t feel very efficient; I just feel frustrated. And now, now I’ve finally realized that this may, in part, be why I am so mediocre at so many things: I feel like I have to be great at everything I attempt that I can’t fully focus on being awesome at one thing or a few things.

If that isn’t bad enough, I find myself wanting to add activities/hobbies. As I was riding my bike this evening, enjoying all of the gorgeous, eclectic homes of my neighbors in the beautiful neighborhood I am fortunate enough to reside in, my mind started drifting to how their homes were adorned. I started planning what I would do to change the landscaping of our house. Then I started wondering about how I could get into gardening and planting flowers and…WHOA WHOA WHOA, SHUT UP, BRAIN! I don’t have time to be awesome at gardening! I don’t even have time to do all the other things I really want to do /SLASH/ be really awesome at doing! It’s as if my mind has gone into a, “BE AWESOME AT ALL THE THINGS” mode (shout out of Allie Brosh of the Hyperbole and a Half blog–and if you have never read this blog then STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND FOR YOUR LIFE, PLEASE READ THIS BLOG! WHY ARE YOU EVEN LOOKING AT MY PUNY BLOG???)

And, because of my trying to be “awesome at all the things” and not being able to go to bed earlier because of all the voices in my head, it’s now 11:39 pm and I’m le tired. I’ll have to try again tomorrow to be AWESOME AT ALL THE THINGS. Long story short, this is why I crave my alone time so much. Because, honestly, there’s too much I want to do that I don’t have time for already to, for the most part, to hang out with fellow homo sapiens. Now, there are some fellow humans that I do just love to hang out with, even if we do nothing but end up watching hours of David Tennant, what? *cough* And there are times when I have to make myself be social. And rare times when I actually want to be social. But, if left to my own devices, I can quickly disappear off the face of the earth… (Also, this whole train of thought started when I got invited to a social event that I will most likely force myself to go to because I know I’ll end up enjoying it…but as I said to my roommate, “I like nights to myself…and this just feels like somebody else planned my night for me.”

Lord, I’m weird.

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3 responses

  1. Gosh. I have a sermon for you to listen to when my church posts it online! It is sooo all about this kinda thing and really good! I will try to remember to send you the link.

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